So what was the awful suggestion my psychologist made to me that annoyed me so much, and made me close down?
He suggested that I keep playing my internal tape (fat, stupid, lazy) because it has the comfort of the familiar about it, better the devil you know etc. I suppose he felt because of my religious cult background that maybe I enjoy mental “self flagellation”.
He also likened it to people who love to go see a horror movie, can’t help themselves and enjoy being scared. A nice illustration which immediately falls totally flat as I have never seen a horror movie. Only Hitchcock’s “The Birds” when I was old enough to laugh at the CGI (not sure those drawn on birds could even classify as cgi) and I couldn’t sleep for a year after seeing the Michael Jackson video for “Thriller” … (as an aside I had to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for years to build up my “horror” resistance.)
Also, if it’s so damn comfortable there, then why the depression and the suicidal tendencies huh?? Yeah comfortable like quicksand. I like it so much that I want to leave this earth behind to get away from those internal taped voices.
He talked about some experiences he had had (at my request) and a particular negative moment when a “leader” publicly wrote him off during an intense emotional time by loudly announcing “oh leave him if that’s the reality he wants to create”. Basically belittling both his experience and his person. And it wasn’t an isolated incident but a summation of the power play and vulnerability in their relationship.
I don’t see the difference between his comment to me and that leaders’ comment to him. Which means I’m angry he felt he could just throw my problem back on me and leave me to blame myself again. However, anger has always been a rather effective change agent for me, and I have had an awesome two weeks. It reminded me (again) that the pit is mine, I have to climb out, and I wanted to climb out just to spite him to show him he is wrong.
Perhaps also a reduction in Effexor XR, and a manic episode all combined to create a rather happy and up (overall) 2 weeks. I was kind of glad he wasn’t able to have a session last week, as I didn’t want my happy mood wrecked again.
I will have to try and get the sessions to focus more on my relationship with my eldest instead of going over what a f***kup I am.
LATER: I did tell RG at the next session that I didn’t see the difference between what he said and what that leader said to him, and he said he was (comfortably) embarrassed – could see where I was coming from, so it felt a bit “touche”. Of course being the sporadic, wandering nature of the sessions means this hasn’t been revisited.