Tag Archives: anger

Familar and comfortable like quicksand

So what was the awful suggestion my psychologist made to me that annoyed me so much, and made me close down?

He suggested that I keep playing my internal tape (fat, stupid, lazy) because it has the comfort of the familiar about it, better the devil you know etc. I suppose he felt because of my religious cult background that maybe I enjoy mental “self flagellation”.

He also likened it to people who love to go see a horror movie, can’t help themselves and enjoy being scared.  A nice illustration which immediately falls totally flat as I have never seen a horror movie. Only Hitchcock’s  “The Birds” when I was old enough to laugh at the CGI  (not sure those drawn on birds could even classify as cgi) and  I couldn’t sleep for a year after seeing the Michael Jackson video for “Thriller” … (as an aside I had to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for years to build up my “horror” resistance.)

Also, if it’s so damn comfortable there, then why the depression and the suicidal tendencies huh?? Yeah comfortable like quicksand. I like it so much that I want to leave this earth behind to get away from those internal taped voices.

*sigh*

He talked about some experiences he had had (at my request) and a particular negative moment when a “leader” publicly wrote him off during an intense emotional time by loudly announcing “oh leave him if that’s the reality he wants to create”. Basically belittling both his experience and his person. And it wasn’t an isolated incident but a summation of the power play and vulnerability in their relationship.

I don’t see the difference between his comment to me and that leaders’ comment to him. Which means I’m angry he felt he could just throw my problem back on me and leave me to blame myself again. However, anger has always been a rather effective change agent for me, and I have had an awesome two weeks. It reminded me (again) that the pit is mine, I have to climb out, and I wanted to climb out just to spite him to show him he is wrong.

Perhaps also a reduction in Effexor XR, and a manic episode all combined to create a rather happy and up (overall) 2 weeks. I was kind of glad he wasn’t able to have a session last week, as I didn’t want my happy mood wrecked again.

I will have to try and get the sessions to focus more on my relationship with my eldest instead of going over what a f***kup I am.

LATER: I did tell RG at the next session that I didn’t see the difference between what he said and what that leader said to him, and he said he was (comfortably) embarrassed – could see where I was coming from, so it felt a bit “touche”. Of course being the sporadic, wandering nature of the sessions means this hasn’t been revisited.

The direction of anger?

My psychologist was discussing how he believed that I had been “shamed” and humiliated as a child and asked me how that felt. Obviously, one felt embarrassed and reacted by withdrawing, going quiet, feeling very sad. But also – anger.  However, the anger has been interesting.  I don’t really feel angry at my Dad anymore, I don’t experience that complete, consuming fury anymore, when I recall what he did to me – the shaming, the humiliation, the emotional abuse and yes… the corporal punishment. I actually can’t remember a lot of the incidents any more probably only about four. I’m angry that I was powerless with my Dad, but I’m angry that he was powerless as a child, and so sad and angry at what happened to his mother, my Nana, as well. The buck seems to stop with her mother  but only because I don’t know her story either.

I am coldly furious at my brother, and wonder if what happened counts as physical abuse. Certainly he bullied me, and bashed me and made my life hell. I’ve never even acknowledged that, “he bashed me” nearly every afternoon after school during high school. Can you call it that? At some point you can, because I’m not a boy and it wasn’t just brothers  rumbling. It was a large, tall, stronger male using physical violence to torment a smaller girl. In black and white it looks that way. Maybe I’m overstating it? Not sure.

I am beginning to be angry at my mum for not protecting me from them. No one was ever annoyed at T for what he did, Mum didn’t really know what he was doing as she never fought with her brothers like that. I know why she didn’t say anything to Dad, as my parents would be divorced now if she had stuck up for us. When she did speak out, we all suffered for weeks.

This is a massive problem for me as I can’t be angry at my mum. It’s like being annoyed at Mother Theresa for leaving a dirty coffee cup on the sink, while she is visiting a leper. If I talked to her about it, she would be so sad, and upset and she does stick up for the my girls, and the boys. Not enough, in my opinion but she does speak out. This has just reminded me of that occasion when Dad kicked H and she hadn’t even done anything wrong. Say that again?!? He kicked my little girl. That stirs up fury I don’t know how to manage. And yet, he wasn’t drunk, he didn’t leave bruises, Mum made him apologise so is this abuse? She wasn’t tied up in a cellar and hit with a fist or bashed to death and stuffed in a suitcase – so do I have a right to speak up? To even feel upset about it?

What are supposed to do with our frustration and anger as adults? We are all human, and feel an incredible surge of energy and anger when frustrated and denied – but what do we do about that? HOW does one get self control and not lash out physically OR verbally?

Precious

Exhausting. Something has been woken from it’s slumber and will no longer be sated but demands recognition and expression. I realise too, why I get so angry with H’s outbursts.  I give her tools that I was desperate for, that no one gave me, and yet she almost casts them aside – those precious, precious comforts that I had to survive without. So often I feel like I am reaching back in time and looking at myself, at LittleNic.  I see myself in her fear, in her despair, in her anger and know that I had greater cause for it and less tools to deal with it. I still feel like I’m comforting LittleNic.