Are we there yet?

I’m becoming increasingly nervous about the level of vulnerability in my interactions with my psychotherapist. And last session he even commented that my disclosure at times “shocks” him. Which makes me angry, damnit! I’m supposed to disclose, he’s supposed to be safe, this is a therapy session.

He told me that I should question more, and demand more vulnerability from him before I disclose more of myself. I reminded him that I often do ask those searching difficult questions, and I am assessing him for what he thinks, but he thinks that although I “have a watchful intelligence” that does assess, I don’t do it nearly enough.

In a CBT based therapy session, of course, you don’t ask questions that would expose your therapist’s vulnerability, it’s all about you and your problems. Now that I have a therapist who is into being “connected” – I am starting to feel more and more stuck, powerless and worst of all dependent. There is that attraction to the charisma or power of a person, and the desire to be part of it by being special to them. I realise that I won’t be remembered and noticed for  being intelligent, beautiful or any other positive attributes, so I am obnoxious, in-their-face and devil’s advocate, but at least they will remember me. This has happened so many times in my life and makes me wonder –

Are the patterns of the my past being repeated (again)?

I hope that this is what he was warning me about, when he was telling me to demand more vulnerability from him before I gave up more of my own. He is telling me as a therapist to be careful for my “own” sake because he is human? perhaps.


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