so very low

Very teary last night, and this afternoon and this evening – keep wondering what the point is, why are we here. It’s all kind of academic because if i were to be diagnosed with incurable cancer tomorrow I would be furious beyond measure to have the choice to live taken from me, to think that anyone else would be called “Mummy” by my children. That’s a big one actually, I could totally be Ok with B having to marry again and find someone, but not my kids calling them Mum. And then I watch an hour of television – ie. escape reality for a while, and I seem to move up from that depth. I shouldn’t be alone, but I find being around people really exhausting. I am so very tired. I don’t even have any stress in my life,  apart from financial – but everyone normal has that. I feel like my life is such a waste, I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something but I don’t know what. I haven’t found what I’m looking for, but I’ve forgotten exactly what it is that I’m looking for, and why I started looking in the first place.  And then, even if I did find it, I would be too tired to do it. And so life goes on.

I feel so fat and so old and so ugly and so washed up. I know the inside is more important, it really is, but perhpas I feel so empty that I figure at least if I was beautiful I might have a right to exist?


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